I just pynch a tree in the face
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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