I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
