We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
