I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
