ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
