This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
