Pappa wants mamma naked
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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