I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
