I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
