Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
