I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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