I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
