I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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