please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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