She is in my trunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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