DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
