He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
