Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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