You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
