Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
