yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
