you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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