Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
