im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
