I'm so fucking centered right now
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
