It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
