??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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