I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
