I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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