On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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