This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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