Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
