I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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