Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
