I wish I only lived at night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
