i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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