What did we do last night that was yellow?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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