May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
