So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
