this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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