Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
