i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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