i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
