dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
