He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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