she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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