I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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