I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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