Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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