youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
