I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
