I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
