Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
