So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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