At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All I want is dick and wine.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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