Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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